Tuesday May 31, 2011
And, blogs should be fun. This is a parody I wrote back in 203 but is as lively today as it was then.
With a Cloud of Dust and A Hearty Hi Ho Silver, It’s the Lone Ranger!
~Opening to the weekly serial
to the tune of the William Tell Overture
by Dennis Elam
As a boy, I faithfully watched weekly episodes of Clayton Moore as the Lone Ranger and Jay Silverheels as Tonto.
Even then, the plot was pretty thin. With only twenty two minutes (sans commercials) plot and character development was minimal. Only the opening shot was filmed outside, the rest was obviously soundstage. Each week the Lone Ranger and Tonto would just happen on a scene of distress. Most frequently, it was the old miner (standard 1950s TV issue, floppy hat, overalls, threadbare everything, lots of slang words) sans wife but with, surprise, beautiful daughter who had clearly overcome the old man’s obvious genetic weakness.
Some land grabbing scoundrel was out to do them out of their only asset-usually a worthless mine that just happened to be in the path of a railroad or development. The Lone Ranger would size up the situation, announce to Tonto that he had a plan, Tonto would get hit over the head (Tonto’s skull must have looked like a golf ball!), Ranger would come appear in disguise, and then turn the tables on the bad guys! Tonto would be freed, the old geezer would say shucks by golly, the daughter would – naw this was the 50s – she never got to hug The Ranger. He and Tonto would ride off, well to save money they only shot that once outside and re ran it each week. Still a great role model! Well, I got to thinking. Would there ever have been a Lone Ranger if the government had been in 1875 what it is today?
We take you now to a hearing convened by a group of bureaucrats and other public servants (yeah right!) circa 1875. The players are identified in bold.
Justice department: Now Mr. Ranger, that is your name? We see that you are acting as a vigilante law-enforcement officer. Do you have any defense to that charge?
LR: Why I was a Texas Ranger. Tonto found me, the sole survivor of a vicious ambush. With Tonto’s help, my strength was restored. I swore an allegiance to avenge the death of my fellow Rangers and fight for truth and justice.
Justice Department: Please stop being circular. By the way, are you represented by an attorney?
LR: Attorney, what’s an attorney? We never had one on my show!
Justice Department: An attorney needs to be present to inform you of your rights, to defend you in this hearing, and explain the justice system to you.
LR: Why would I need such a person when I understand and fight for truth and justice?
Justice Department: Because it’s the law!
LR: But I thought you were the Department of Justice, what I stand for?
Justice Department: Don’t try our patience!
Tonto: Hmm, Kemosabe, this put you in bad light
Ricco Division, Department of Justice: Hey, is that Kemosabe anything like Godfather?
EPA: It says here that you left a silver bullet as your signature or business card? Do you have a permit for distributing unminted minerals?
DEA: Silver bullets, huh? Has anyone looked inside one of those bullets-and since you crossed Arizona into New Mexico, let’s search those saddle bags in the name of interstate commerce!
Silver: Neighhhhhhhhhhh!
LR: Easy, big fellow!
Department of Labor, Handicapped Division: By the way, we have 215 petitions of fellows who claim you caused carpal tunnel syndrome by, what’s this, shooting a gun out of their hands?
LR: Every one of those was a rascal or genuine bad guy, They had it coming!
Justice Department: Can you produce 215 indictments?
Department of Labor: Oh, and here is another stack for a guy just like you, hmmm, we might go easier if you could provide the whereabouts of one Roy Rogers?
Department of Treasury IRS: By the way, how did you say you made a living? And have you filed as an independent contractor, DBA Ranger at Large?
LR: Income tax won’t be law until 1913!
Department of Treasury: This is our parody. Don’t get smug, such comments will be taken as lack of cooperation and could lead to violation of Ricco!
LR: I’ve never even been to Jersey, how would I know someone named Ricco?
DEA: Kemosabe, Godfather, Silver Bullets, running around in the western wilderness? Sounds like a drug coverup to us; get the cuffs!
Department of Animal Control: Do you have the vaccinations for Silver as well as his horse tag, bill of sale, and horseshoe records?
American Federation of Equality for Indians in Acting Guild: So how come there’s no spin-off series for Tonto? And how come he doesn’t get a good-looking Indian maiden to moon over him? And why don’t you get whacked over the head so he can...
LR: Hi Ho Silver Hoy! The Ranger jumps on Silver and exits, followed by Tonto on his beautiful paint horse. (Does anybody remember the name of Tonto’s horse?)
Entire Group: Cough, hack, gag, snort, Good grief, that’s a bunch of dust, where’d he go? Somebody call the EPA! The environment has been disturbed!
Yep, if the government had been then what it is now, he would have been the All Alone Ranger! Thank goodness it only happened in this column. I mean there’s still a place for those who fight for truth and justice right, – or are they All Alone Rangers today?
Dennis Elam teaches in the College of Business at Texas A & M San Antonio and can be reached at dennislelam@gmail.com, when he is not on the trail with the masked man.
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